


Sucker For Pain

by pansimonlewis



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: ++ simon fangirling over poison ivy x harley quinn, @ me, Asexual Raphael, F/F, F/M, M/M, also simon is pan as fuck, angsty one sided jimon, i just want simon to be happy, magnus bane isnt sidelined as just a love interest :-)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7659742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansimonlewis/pseuds/pansimonlewis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon Lewis was doing just fine in high school. In fact, he was planning on making this year his best year yet. He never knew he'd end up falling in love with a blonde God that had a thing for his best friend. He also never knew he'd get to meet the most ethereal man that probably despised his very essence. It was okay though, because Simon was undeniably a huge sucker for pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ((lots of homophobic slurs are used in this fic. if it makes you uncomfortable, please dont read it!! i want you to feel safe and happy ok ily))

Simon loved math class. It was his favorite subject; he would take math classes for the entirety of his high school years because that’s how much he loved math.  
Because that’s how much he loved Jace Lightwood.  


It was the only class Simon shared with him, the only time where Simon can get to watch him from his seat. The only instance where he’d get to listen to Jace’s ethereal laughter. 

He could swear on everything he loved that Jace has the most beautiful laugh he’s ever heard in his entire life.  


Everything was beautiful about him anyways. From his colored eyes and golden hair to his fit body and confident persona.  


But they were just friends, that’s how it was. He wasn’t even sure if “friends” was the correct term used to define their relationship. Classmates seemed more adequate.  


The only thing Simon hated about him more than anything was the fact that he was the most oblivious person to ever roam this very earth. Clary, Simon’s best and only friend, endured so much in order to help him summon up the courage to ask Jace out. And he did. He went up to Jace’s locker and shakily tapped his shoulder. “Hey, I’m Simon…Simon... from math class…” Jace blinked, looking at the taller boy with puzzlement. “Who?”  


Simon felt his insides twist violently in disappointment. “Y’know.. uh… I’m the one who plays the guitar in our school’s band. The one who keeps wearing graphic tees..” He added hopefully, almost questioningly as he eyed him through his thick glasses. Still, he was not met with a response. “Anyways, I was wondering if you’re free this week? I was wondering.. I was.. wondering if we could watch a movie together? Suicide Squad is coming out and I’m so excited! I can’t wait for Harley’s character development. Honestly, it’s the best. I’m actually looking forward to see Poison Ivy and her together in the movies. Joker is an abusive prick… He-“ Simon rambled, then casted a quick look over at Jace who looked absolutely petrified. 

Simon stopped talking, and was about to fucking burst into tears. He just ruined the only shot he had at winning him over. But right now, chances are little to none. And judging by Jace’s scowl, it was mostly the latter. “So, what do you think?”  


He remembered Jace saying something along the lines of ‘Sorry bro, I have a really huge biology test coming up this week and I gotta cram up, you get me?'. Everything else was a blur from the tears that were welling up.  


Simon just nodded, that’s all he could have done back then. He felt paralyzed to the bone and regretted the minute he approached him. Jace wouldn’t understand Simon’s notion even if he got him a LED banner with ‘Fuck me’ written over it in big, bold letters because they’re sickeningly, inevitably just bros. And now, he managed to freak the living shit out of him.  


‘Bro’, Simon laughed bitterly to himself. Of all the things Jace could have called him.  


\---  


After what happened that day, Simon was absent for the rest of his classes. Clary grew worried, and after a couple of hours of twisting and turning in her seat, she excused herself and ran to the hallways. Whenever Simon was in a funk, he would just hide in the janitor’s closet. She knew him better than anyone did, hell she probably knew him more than he knew himself. After looking around to make sure nobody saw her, she quietly knocked on the door. “Simon?” She whispered softly, and was met with no response. “Simon I know you’re in there. I can hear you sniffling. I won’t press, I promise. Just open the door.” She implored, her hand on the knob. She heard shuffling noises inside and automatically assumed it was Simon who was getting up from the floor and collecting himself. The door unlocked.  


“Was it that bad?” Clary asked once she got in and closed the door, sliding down the wall and sitting next to her best friend who was currently a mess. He shot her a stern look, as if reminding her that she promised not to press.  


“I feel stupid.” He admitted, shrugging. “I thought things would be easier for me if I came out of the closet. I actually regret coming out. I’ve been called a faggot, I get made fun of almost all the time. And if they’re nice enough, they’d just call me ‘the pansexual with the glasses who came out last year’.”  


“I’m sorry.” Clary said, her voice sad. She felt very protective of her best friend, and seeing him in this state shattered her heart to a million pieces. “You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I mean, if I came out of the closet too they’d probably cheer me on and find it hot. Fetishizing pieces of shit, I hate this school.” She ranted, her fiery red hair complementing her current angry mood. “We all deserve better.”  


“Yeah, yeah we do.” Simon chuckled. “I just really, really love Jace. I’m not even sure if he plays for my team. I’m seriously stupid for thinking for a second that this would work. Ugh, I hate him.”  


“No you don’t.” Clary retorted.  


“I know.” Simon whined, playfully shoving Clary who laughed quietly.  


“Do you want me to talk to him? Jace, I mean. I’ve talked to him once or twice before. I can get to know him better for you, maybe he’ll turn out to be a raging queer who has a thing for the pansexual with the glasses!” She wiggled her eyebrows playfully, which made Simon laugh genuinely for the first time in a long while. He was so grateful for Clary. 

He honestly didn’t know if he would be able to survive this shitty excuse of a school if it weren’t for her. She was there for him through the ups and downs.  


“Would you do that for me?” He asked, a glimmer of hope in his tone. Maybe, just maybe, he and Jace can actually hit it off.  


“Of course I can! Besides, I’m not in it just for you. His sister his hot as fuck.”  


"Isabelle, right? She intimidates me. But you guys would look cute together.” Simon grinned.  


“Oh my god, right? We share a couple of classes together. The only thing I know about her is that she walks all over boys. She gets asked out almost every day yet she turns all of them down in like a second.” Clary said excitedly, her smile wide. “Also, she smells like vanilla.”  


“Vanilla is nice.” Simon approved, looking at her fondly. “Look at us, crushing over the Lightwoods.  


“Don’t worry, we totally got this.” Clary laughed, this time not bothering with lowering her voice. She got up and dusted her jeans, before hooking her thumbs in her belt loops. Simon noticed paint smeared on the hem of her shirt. However, it wasn’t a foreign sight. If Clary’s entire attire didn’t somewhat have paint stains, then it wasn’t really the Clary that he knows.  


“Thank you. For this, and for everything. I owe you.” Simon pulled her into a bear hug, in which Clary accepted by wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him gently.

“I got you. Forever and always.” Clary sighed into her best friend’s shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

“You’re failing Spanish, Lewis.”  


Simon was seated across from Mr. Garroway’s desk, fidgeting nervously with his hands. The last thing he needed right then was getting lectured about his grades. Yet there he was, watching his principal skim through his file. A file where his sloppy marks were commemorated for life.  


“I’m well aware of that. Thanks.” Simon retorted. “When I knew that foreign languages were obligatory classes, I really didn’t have any choice but to sign up against my will.”  


Luke sighed in annoyance, before removing his eyeglasses and rubbing at his temple. Simon watched him guiltily, until he spoke up. “Listen, I can like, use the internet or something. It’s no big deal. It’s just Spanish!”  


“And if you fail that class, I’m afraid that there will be severe consequences.” Luke sat up, looking strict and austere. “Severe consequences as in, there is no way you’ll make it to senior year, Simon.”  


Simon just stared at him wide-eyed. “Are you seriously going to fail me? Mr. Garroway, I can’t, I can’t repeat an entire year just because I failed _Spanish_.”  


Their conversation was interrupted by a faint tapping on the door, and Luke’s head snapped to the direction of the sound. A boy with flamboyant clothes and glittery hair stood there idly. “Sorry for interjecting. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment.” He said with the most delicate, musically voice that Simon recognized almost instantly.  


Of course, it was Magnus Bane. Although they weren’t exactly friends, Magnus was one of the many little people that didn’t give him a hard time about coming out. In fact, he was the one that gave Simon the push to come out. Knowing that he wasn’t the only one who was queer made him feel somewhat comfortable.  


“Bane, yes! Just the man I needed.” Luke said in a sudden burst of excitement. Evidently, Simon managed to bore the poor man to death before Magnus came to the rescue.  


“How may I help you, Mr. Garroway?” Magnus abandoned the door and approached him, a gentle smile on his face. Simon looked up at him from where he was seated. He wondered if there was any person as poise and elegant as he was.  


“Spanish!” Luke said with a soft chuckle. “How good are your grades?”  


“I am a C+ student in Mrs. Ortega’s class. Not the best, but I have a killer accent.” Magnus replied compliantly.  


“I see.” Luke nodded, fixing his posture and resting his elbows on the desk. “Well, Mr. Lewis here is having some difficulties concerning this subject. So far, his grades have been nothing but a downer.”  


Simon groaned. “That’s enough. I think he understands.”  


Luke glared at him, before returning his gaze to Magnus. “I would like it very much if you suggest a student that can help him out. I suppose I can repay their assistance in some sort.”  


Magnus pondered thoughtfully, leaning against the wall with his lower lip between his teeth before he beamed in acknowledgement. “Oh, I know! Raphael, my friend. Spanish is his mother tongue. And besides, I believe he would love to get to know Simon!”  


Simon smiled thankfully at the boy. He had been nothing but nice to him. In a way, he felt guilty for not being able to provide him with anything else in return.  


“Ah, Raphael Santiago. Of course, why didn’t I think of him?” Luke replied, nodding in agreement before he returned his stare to Simon. “I’ll ask him to commence with your tutoring lessons as of tomorrow. Meet him in the library during breaks, and hopefully we’ll be able to see progress within two weeks. Those meetings should take place on a daily basis, understood?”  


“Daily?” Simon inquired, dumbfounded.  


“Don’t you worry about it. They’ll pass by in a jiffy!” Magnus grinned, patting Simon’s shoulder in a sympathetic matter. The fact that he was able to be enthusiastic in almost every situation made Simon wonder what can actually tick him off. Not that he wanted to see him angry or upset, of course. Magnus deserved good things.  


Simon nodded awkwardly, looking up at Magnus. He sure hoped these two weeks would pass by swiftly, or else he might have a meltdown in the process of it.  


\--  


“I talked to Izzy today.”  


Clary was lying on Simon’s bed, sketching vigorously with the notepad she had in hand. The sight of them hanging around in his room was never anything foreign. They’ve been attached to the hip for as long as they both could remember. At some point, it felt familial for Clary was the only constant in his life.  


She dropped her pencil and sat up, tucking a stray strand of red hair behind her ear. “Simon, are you even listening?”  


“Hmph?” Simon mumbled, searching through his shelves and closets for his Spanish books. No wonder why he was failing, he probably didn’t even have any to begin with. “Yeah, yeah I’m all ears.”  


Clary rolled her eyes, slouching back on the bed. “She saw me drawing today, said that I was very talented. She wants me to draw her.” She said, a tender smile spreading across her face. “She’s so beautiful, Simon. I can never get bored of looking at her. Hell, I’m willing to draw just her for the rest of my life and I’d be ecstatic!”  


Simon turned around to watch her, his hand behind his neck. “Well…? When will you ask her out?”  


“Too soon. I’m not sure I even like her that much. Besides, I need to talk to Jace first, remember?” She pointed out.  


“Do you think that, if you do end up asking her out, she’d freak out?” Simon asked. He always wondered if whether or not Jace was homophobic. That would crush him to bits.  


Clary shook her head almost immediately. “No, no. Isabelle is not like that. I’m positive.”  


Simon nodded and lied down next to her, staring up at the ceiling momentarily, before he spun around to face her. “Have you heard of a.. Raphael Santiago?”  


“Who?” Clary questioned, lifting an eyebrow.  


He shrugged. “He’s going to give me lessons tomorrow. Spanish lessons. I’ve never heard of him before, but he’s Magnus Bane’s best friend.”  


“Oh, if he’s his best friend then no doubt he ought to be pretty chill. It’ll pass smoothly.”  


“Yeah! Yeah, you’re right. That’s one way to look at it.” Simon chuckled.  


If only he knew that Raphael was the exact opposite of his expectations


	3. Chapter 3

Simon’s back hit the lockers pretty hard, the coolness of it spreading through his spine. He opened his mouth to speak, before a pair of lips crashed into his own in a desperate manner. “I’m sorry for being an ass the other day. I was just, really shy. I’ve had a crush on you for years.” Jace whispered against his lips, a devilish grin on his face as he held Simon from the collar of his shirt. “I have loved you for as long as I can possibly remember.”

Simon pulled him back and kissed him again, his hands trailing down his muscular body until he got to the waistband of his jeans. Their kiss was desperate and sloppy, full of tongue and teeth, but it was everything he ever wanted. Jace’s body against his own, Jace’s dauntless confession of his burning desire for him. 

“I love you too. I thought, I thought you hated me.” Simon admitted, breathless  
He just wanted to freeze this moment for him to remember for all eternity. Jace fucking Lightwood not only knew his name, but also _wanted_ him.

“Would I ever hate an angel?” Jace purred, his fists loosening around Simon’s collar. “You’re late.”

“Late for what?” He asked, his chest still heaving from their previous make out session.

Jace’s hand cupped his cheek softly at first, before he started slapping his face repetitively, his grin widening. “You’re late, wake up.”

Simon’s eyes widened, as he shoved him away with a harmless force. “Listen buddy, if we’re going to make this work,” He inquired, pointing at the space in between them, “You should know that I don’t consensually agree to slapping. Don’t slap my face, don’t slap my ass, none of that kinky shit.”

“Simon!” Clary yelled in vexation, shaking his face from side to side lightly. “We’re so late, oh my God. I was waiting for you to pick me up! You overslept, you idiot.”

Simon sat up, his body glistening with sweat. It was a dream, all of this was a dream. Shit, shit, shit. “Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I just, I need to hit the shower first.”

Clary flailed her arms around. “Now? Are you kidding me?! Simon, we’re so late. If Luke finds out, he’s going to flip.”

“I can’t go to school before I take a shower first, okay?” He said, his face flushed. This was probably the most embarrassing situation he ever had to go through. A wet dream precisely before school with his best friend practically dragging him out of bed. What an amazing start to a shitty ass day. “I smell like shit.”

“Fine, whatever. I’ll see you at school then.” Clary got up, obviously unaware of what was going on. “Just…Don’t expect me to cover up for you this time. Luke is not buying my bullshit anymore.”

“Okay, okay!” Simon said defensively, watching her leave. Although she looked angry, he could see right through her façade. She probably was thanking the lord that she had a reason to be late to class. Simon jumped out of his bed and got clean underwear and clothes, silently cursing himself while going to the bathroom and adjusting the water to a comfortable temperature before he hopped in.  
\--

Clary decided to talk to Jace during chemistry because it was the only mutual class they had for the day, and the sooner she met him the better. As soon as she made it to class, she flung herself right next to his desk and almost had to fight his brother, Alec, for it. It was okay though, she reminded herself. Anything for Simon. She waited patiently for the teacher to turn around and face the whiteboard, before she silently moved her seat closer to Jace’s. 

“Chemistry stinks.” Clary huffed, looking over at him to see if she caught his attention yet. She didn’t. “Blah, blah, blah. I’m not sure if she even understands what she’s painfully rambling on and on about.” She tried again.

“Do I look like I honestly ca-?“ Jace turned around to face her, looking purely annoyed and ready to roast her into oblivion before he took a good look at her. His expression twisted into something Clary couldn’t read. “-can relate? Because I do, obviously. Well duh, who likes Chemistry?” Jace chuckled, before sticking his hand out and smiling a little too widely for her liking. “I’m Jace Lightwood.”

“I know who you are.” Clary smiled, taking his hand and shaking it. She noticed that he was trying to compose himself. “I’m Clary Fray. We share a couple of classes together.”

“It’s a shame that we haven’t met earlier.” He said with a wink. She wondered if he was the nicest one compared to his siblings. Isabelle was warm yes, and Alec probably hates her guts after she took his seat, but Jace just gave off different vibe.

“True that.” She said, forcing a laugh.

They spent the rest of the class talking about things Clary didn’t truly care about, while she tried to understand what Simon saw in him.  
\-- 

Simon managed to make it to school right before break. Late, yes, but alive and breathing. After all, that’s what truly mattered. Someone’s ought to give him credit for that.  
Once the bell rung and everybody left their classes for the cafeteria, he began asking random passerby for the way to the library. It sickened him that he had to ditch the only time he got to eat for lessons in a library he had never set foot in. However, his tutor was giving up his free time as well for the sake of his education and the least he could do was actually show up.

He sighed heavily, walking towards the library with heavy footsteps until he was inside. The library was empty, obviously, except for a curly head with coppery skin and a thick sweater vest that was sat with his face buried in a large poetry book. 

He looked like a formal boy, the polar opposite of Magnus Bane. Simon’s chest grew with anticipation at what he might actually look like. He sat next to him, swallowed thickly, and enforced a smile that looked everything but genuine. “Hey.”

Raphael Santiago looked up from his book and in the direction of his new temporary student, a small smirk forming on his lips. “You’re the one I’m going to spend the next two weeks with? This is going to be interesting.”

“Is that supposed to be a good thing?” Simon blinked, not sure what kind of impression he gave off.

Raphael just shook his head with a silent chuckle that Simon heard while he was taking out his notebook and pencil. “Never mind me, principiante. Let us start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> principiante: beginner


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ?? i am so shook?? i never thought this would get over one hundred reads and i am currently flattered and in love with all of you. thank you angels. feel free to leave constructive criticism behind!! it is necessary because i want to make this fic as enjoyable as possible.

“Have you ever heard of personal space, _novato_?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Simon said, scooting away from him and avoiding his scorching glower. He hated himself for being too eager to please a stranger. He just really didn’t want to fuck up in front of a perfectionist. It was probably his self-assured guise that contributed to the impression, but Raphael looked like he never made a mistake in his entire life. His words were meaningful, his movements precise and calculated. It dejected Simon. He felt like shit compared to him. 

“You don’t speak a lick of Spanish, do you Simon?” Raphael asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“I’ve got a few words up my sleeve. I just don’t know how to put them in sentences. And I don’t think my accent is any good.” Simon explained, twirling a pencil clumsily between his fingers as he attempted to avoid his gaze.

Raphael made a noise that sounded like a snort. “Yeah, I noticed that five minutes into our study date.” He chuckled, noticing how shamefaced Simon looked. “It’s fine, I guess. Along with our daily tutoring lessons, I’ll give you some words for you to decipher at home. You won’t turn to a contemporary version of Miguel de Cervantes within two weeks, but you’ll score enough marks to make you a senior.” He proceeded, a soft smirk on his face as he ripped a small piece of paper, scribbled a sentence down, and passed it over to him. “There you go. Translate that without using the internet. Put what you just learned into good use.”

“Yeah, of course! Anything.” Simon nodded obediently. Because of the time he spent learning new words and writing correct sentences over and over again, he was exhausted to the bone. Raphael was ruthless, that was one thing he knew for sure. Nevertheless, he was able to put up with Simon knowing that he was a slow learner, so it made up for it.

“Okay then, I’ll be seeing you on Monday. Same time and place.” Raphael announced, packing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “And if you have any questions, feel free to call me anytime at night. Just make sure you have ones, don’t ramble and waste my time.” 

Simon’s face turned red, as he busied himself with packing up as well. “Mkay.” He mumbled quietly. One more person to add to the list of people who find him annoying. How fascinating. 

Before Raphael walked out the door, Simon hesitantly walked up to him and swallowed. “Thank you for agreeing to this. I know you’re not obligated to do this, yet you are so…thanks.” He spoke, his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

A flash of a genuine smile appeared on Raphael’s face, while he nodded and left Simon behind in the library soundlessly. He made Raphael Santiago smile. It felt great honestly, for he had a really pretty smile.  
\--  
“I called you like a thousand times, why didn’t you answer? I was so worried!” Simon exclaimed.

Simon waited patiently for Clary to show up on the front yard of their school so he could drive them back home in his crappy van, but she failed to show up or answer his texts and calls. Once he returned home and went up to his room, he found her already there, sitting up on his study desk while texting speedily.

“Simon! This doesn’t matter now; you won’t believe what happened. Jace practically begged me to skip school with him, so we did. We went back to his place.” Clary grinned, jumping off of the desk and joining him at the door. 

“Oh my God, seriously? What did he say, did you tell him anything yet? Clary I trust you, there’s no way you blew it off right? Wait, if it’s bad then just…don’t tell me. I can take it.” He said, gripping her tightly from either side of her shoulders. Saying that he looked incredibly nervous was an understatement.

“Relax!” She giggled, reaching out for one of Simon’s hand and squeezing it gently to comfort him. “The whole time we were out, he just kept talking about himself, a lot. He didn’t leave any room for me to ask him questions but they were already answered. So, shoot!”

“Clary I fucking love you to death.” He said happily, forgetting that he was this close to losing his shit over her absence. “Okay so, is he homophobic?”

“Nope, his brother is gay.” Clary answered softly.

“But… this doesn’t mean he’s still okay with it. Wait what, his brother. You mean Alec?” Simon interrogated, looking stunned.

She nodded. “Yeah, but he’s still in the closet. He made me promise him not to tell anyone though. I know that I can trust you enough for you to keep this.”

“Yeah, of course I wouldn’t choose to harm him in any way. He should have the choice to come out whenever he wanted as long as he’s comfortable.”

Clary’s smile widened. “Exactly, that’s what Jace said! He sounded so supportive of him. He said that both him and his sister are the only ones who support him. Their parents are assholes.”

“Oh man, that sucks.” Simon frowned. He knew that no matter what shit he had to face for being pansexual, he still had it better than others. His mother and sister knew about his sexuality and were totally okay with it. 

“But on the bright side, now we know that he’s not homophobic. Any more questions?” Clary chuckled, watching Simon smile widely in relief. Being able to provide her best friend with this sense of comfort made her feel amazing. To her, it was definitely the best feeling in the world. 

“Yes, one more left. Uh, well…did he tell you if he was queer?” Simon questioned, his lips narrower now.

“He talked a lot about his dating stories. It was weird how he opened up to me so fast. We barely know each other, but I’m basically ready to write his autobiography.” She laughed. “All the people he dated were girls, but-“

“That doesn’t rule out the possibility of him being queer.” Simon continued, as if reading her thoughts.

“So, I don’t see where’s the harm in asking him out.” Clary said, letting go of Simon’s hand only to cup his face. “You can _not_ miss out on an opportunity where you finally get to date the guy of your dreams. So what if he says no? At least you'll put your mind at ease."

“It’s not like I haven’t tried to ask him out. He always assumes it’s a ‘bro’ outing.” Simon admitted bitterly.

“How about next time you actually say the words.” Clary laughed, ruffling his hair. “Jace Lightwood, will you go out on a date with me?”  
Clary still believed he could do this on top of everything. Even when he got indirectly rejected and ignored, she always seemed to look around for loopholes for him to go through. “I will, once I feel like I can, I definitely will. If we end up together, I’m totally telling him about your crush over Izzy. Maybe he’ll help setting the both of you up on a date.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Clary brushed him off carelessly with a flick of her hand, but her blush gave her façade away. She was in it deep for Isabelle. He knew that. “By the way, I forgot to ask. How was your study date with Raphael?”

“It was weird. He’s not afraid to speak his mind, especially when I’m annoying him. But he’s determined to help me with my lessons, so that’s really nice of him. He even gave me this paper to translate.” Simon reached around for his back pocket and clutched the crumpled piece of paper, handing it over to her. “I tried thinking about it on my way home and came up with nothing. Do you have any clue what this means?”

Clary skimmed through the sentence, before her eyes widened in shock. “Uh… Simon?”

“What?” He asked in confusion, glancing over at the paper as well. _**Buen culo**_. Nothing ominous about that. 

“I’m no Spanish student, but I’m pretty sure this means ‘nice ass’.” She said, forcing herself not to smirk or burst into laughter. “ _Simonnnnn_ , did you do something else on this…study date.” She teased, winking at the last part.

Simon snatched the paper and read it over and over, blocking out Clary's hysterical laughter.

There was no way it was Raphael. Although he saw him scribbling this down with his own eyes, there was still no way. Raphael wouldn't do anything like that.

Raphael hated him. It was an innocent mistake, and that's final.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> novato: newbie


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is crappy!! i just thought it'd be good to stir away from simon's pov for a bit so that i could indirectly introduce malec.

After the weekend passed and the two recommenced their lessons, neither of them brought the sentence up. Simon kept memorizing new phrases with Raphael correcting his pronunciation or way of phrasing every now and then. This was when Simon’s doubts were confirmed. Raphael looked irritated and unpleased with his company, as if counting down the minutes till their session was over. Yup, the sentence he wrote down was not for him.

“Translate ‘to let go of’.” Raphael ordered, looking up at Simon.

He knew this. He was actually studying over the weekend and he wanted Raphael to know that their work wasn’t going down the drain.

“Saltar.” Simon answered with an assured smile. 

Raphael heaved a sigh and shook his head. “Saltar is to jump. An example would be, ‘I’d love to Saltar off of a bridge right now.’” He said with the most sarcastic smile Simon had ever seen him in.

“Raphael, I swear I studied for this. But I get them all jumbled up.” Simon explained himself, before he got interrupted.

“The correct answer is Soltar. I’ll spare you for the rest of the day.” Raphael got up and reached out for Simon’s notebook, tearing a small piece of paper from one of the pages. “When you study, consider rewriting the words you learn and placing them in meaningful sentences. Once you do that, it’ll actually save the both of us time.” He suggested, scrawling a new sentence for him to translate. Simon paid extra attention to what he was writing down. “I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you.” Simon replied absent-mindedly, his attention on the paper in hand. 

Tienes una hermosa sonrisa. Simon took his phone out, snapped a picture of the piece and sent it to Clary.  
_Raphael wrote this today, translate?_  
\--  
Simon had math today, which meant he’ll finally be seeing Jace and try to leave some sort of good impression before he could ask him out. He sat in his assigned place and took out his stationery, waiting patiently for the teacher and the rest of the class to arrive. In the meantime, he heard laughter erupting from the back of the room that sounded oddly familiar. Curiosity got the best of him, and he chose to turn around and take a look at what was going on, only to be taken by shock.  
Jace and Clary were whispering to each other and laughing, while he held on to her hand. Simon gulped and watched them. If he hadn’t known better, they’d look like a happy couple that were really into one another. However, he presumed that his best friend was only putting the act of being interested in everything he had to say on for the sake of getting to know him better for Simon. He felt bad for feeling even the slightest of jealousy. 

Clary noticed Simon staring at them from the corner of her eye and waved happily at him. “Hey Si.” She grinned, “Come sit next to us.”

Woah, Simon was going to sit next to Jace. This made his stomach sink with apprehension. “Okay.” He whispered, his voice merely audible. He cleared his throat and chose the only seat that was beside them. 

“Jace, this is my best friend, Simon.” She said formally, “Simon, this is Jace.”

“I know Simon!” Jace stated, beaming. Simon’s insides twisted violently. “We were meant to go out to the movies or something this one time. It happened too fast and I didn’t understand a thing.”

Simon smiled convincingly in order to mask that he was about to barf any second now. When he failed to answer, Clary butted in immediately. “It was exciting for all of us. Simon planned it with most of his friends and had to invite someone extra. I suggested you come along because you looked fun to be around.” It was astounding how fast and easy it was for her to come up with random lies. 

“Really?” Jace asked, looking at her in awe. 

“Yeah, that’s exactly what happened.” Simon nodded, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, although Jace obviously wasn’t addressing him. 

“Wow. I’m sorry I couldn’t come. If I knew that I would’ve showed up for sure.” He said apologetically, before he returned his gaze to Simon. “Next time you plan something like that, let me know. I’ll make it there in a blink of an eye.” Jace promised. He never held eye contact with him for that long. He couldn’t breathe through the whole thing. ‘For sure’ was the only two words he managed to splutter.

“Great!” Jace smiled widely and turned in his seat as soon as the teacher showed up. 

Clary patted Simon’s thigh gently under the desk. “You can ask him out anytime now.” She uttered.

Simon took a long breath, smiling like the idiot he was, and sat up to listen to the lesson intently although his mind took him somewhere else. Daydreams of him and Jace together, holding hands and going out on dates.

“Oh, and by the way.” Clary whispered, catching Simon’s attention. “The picture you sent me earlier. The one about Raphael. It means that you have a beautiful smile.” 

\--  
“Izzy, sweetheart!” Magnus cheered, embracing Isabelle in a warm hug.

“Hey Mags.” Izzy grinned and returned his hug with a tight one, before she pulled back. She looked at him with her lips pursed. “Your makeup… it’s gorgeous? You look so good, God.” She exclaimed, beaming up at him. 

“You’re the one to talk. You look stunning! I love your hair.” He complimented, adoring how skillfully it was braided into pigtails on either side of her face. It had become a thing for the both of them to compliment each other whenever they encounter, and they low-key enjoyed the attention they received. There was no harm in appreciating beauty, now was there? 

“Aw, you’re making me blush.” She giggled and absently brushed her fingers through the bottom of her braids. “What’s up?”

“Darling, I need you more than ever. I’m throwing a party this weekend.” Magnus was interrupted by Isabelle’s excited squeal. 

“Just what I needed! What’s the party for, though?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.

Magnus considered her question for a moment before he shrugged. “No reason. Finals are next month, and I want to have a good time before I throw myself to working consistently. I don’t get my A’s by magic.” He winked, making Izzy roll her eyes.

“Show-off.” She teased jokingly, a smile on her face. “If you manage to get drinks, then count me in. There's no good party without alcohol.”

"Although I shouldn't be encouraging illegal acts, I'll see if I can manage to sneak in alcohol. Just for you, though." Magnus chortled. “Help me spread the word around. And make sure to invite your brother Alec as well.” He said, shooting Isabelle a knowing glance.

Isabelle nodded understandingly. The entire school knew that Alec and Magnus had a thing for one another by the way they look and talk to each other. Yet, Alec always left when things went too far. She knew it was his internalized homophobia and his fear of refusal by his parents. “Alec is not much of a party person. But he definitely needs a break. I’m worried about him a lot. All he’s been doing lately is focusing on his homework and studying endlessly for tests to impress mom and dad. He has to get out of this toxic lifestyle.”

“Agreed.” Magnus smiled crookedly. The bell rung, which meant they had to part now. “If there’s anything you need help with, not just with Alec, then do not hesitate to call me.” 

Isabelle looked up at the taller boy and pulled him once again in a tight hug. “You’re such an angel Mags. I hope everything works out between the both of you. You both deserve much more than…this.” She sighed. “Take good care of yourself.”

She turned around and walked hastily to her class, leaving Magnus behind her in the hallway. He was trying his hardest not to explode. 

“Everything alright?” Said a voice behind Magnus’s shoulder.

He turned around to address the owner of that voice, Raphael, with his smile wiped right off of his face. He was transparent around him, no emotions to fake whatsoever. “No. No, not really, Raf.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just simon and raphael, woo  
> also from 400 to 700 HITS SHIT THIS LITERALLY HAPPENED OVERNIGHT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Things between Raphael and Simon developed to some extent. Things weren’t awkward and tense as they were the first week they started working together. It felt great, because Raphael was actually really funny when he wanted to be. Although impatient, he was willing to listen to everything Simon had to say sometimes. And whenever they bumped into each other outside tutoring, Raphael would greet him back and smile instead of giving him the cold shoulder. He finally warmed up to him. He finally, sort of ,warmed up to someone other than Magnus. That made Simon’s heart swell.

Aside from that, Simon would itch for the end of each lesson in their now self-claimed library, waiting for Raphael to write him phrases. They grew longer day by day.

_Your hair looks good._

Simon kept his hair the way it was, natural, just how Raphael liked it. 

_Have you been working out?_

He had, actually, and Raphael was the only who noticed. He started growing muscles on his arms. He wasn’t very fond of sports, but he recently started lifting and thought it would be nice to do some changes in his appearance. More for Jace than himself, although he would never admit it openly, not even to himself.

_You scrunch your nose up a lot when you’re focusing. It’s cute._

Clary couldn’t understand what it meant, and the internet gave him a crappy translation. His only option was asking Mrs. Ortega for an explain, which he did. She asked him who wrote this, and he told her he found it in his locker.

_You’re really breathtaking, Simon._

Simon kept thinking about it the entire night, tossing and turning in his bed. It was just harmless flirting, now it’s turning sentimental.

Other than Clary and his family, Simon was never complimented like that before. He was flattered, incredibly flattered to say the least, but confused.

On Friday, Simon was the first to show up in the library, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently while waiting for his tutor.  
“Ah, zarigüeya, you’re here early. Well, I guess it’s true that there is a first time for everything.” Raphael came and sat across from him, looking pleased.

“Can we talk?” Simon asked tentatively, encouraging a quirk of an eyebrow from Raphael.

“And waste time?” Raphael replied, crossing his arms on the desk and leaning in. “Preferably not.”

“Spanish can wait.” He said irritably, looking at Raphael with pleading eyes. “Can we talk?” He asked again.

Raphael was aware of how serious Simon sounded. He straightened his shoulders and sat up, his gaze fixed on him. Simon noticed how his body language screamed of defensiveness. It wasn’t just around him; He looked pretty cynical around everybody. “If it can’t wait then I guess we can take a couple of minutes.” 

“What’s with the sentences you’ve been writing me for the past week? I never brought it up in fear that you’d probably bark with laughter. But I am currently pretty sure that these are directed to me.” Simon spat the words out quickly, as if he memorized what to say ten minutes ago and decided to recite them.

Raphael grinned. “Jesucristo, idiota. I thought something was up.” He chuckled, his shoulders relaxing. “You’ve been translating those, novato? Do you like them?” He questioned him, swiping his tongue across his bottom lip.

“D-Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that you like my hair and smile and all that. But the last sentence got pretty…serious I guess? I don’t know. I thought I should just address the situation once and for all. You know? Just to make sure.” Simon stuttered, looking back at Raphael. The tension between them was about to swallow him whole.

“Do you recall what I wrote you?” Raphael’s full lips uttered, slow and thick like honey. 

“Yes! Word by word.” Simon nodded, before realization hit him. He wanted to smack himself for being so blunt and embarrassing. He shouldn’t be like this. He was supposed to sound calm and collective.

“Every word, huh?” Raphael questioned, his shoulders starting to shake. Simon noticed that they were in fact shaking in silent laughter. He covered his mouth and continued to laugh until his breath came in quick gasps between his titters. In other situations, Simon would have found this to be too fucking adorable. Who knew a person as threatening and intimidating as Raphael was had the cutest laughter ever?

“I believe my work here is done.” Raphael gasped, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hands. 

“I don’t understand…? What work? What do you mean?” Simon tossed the questions around in confusion.

Raphael recovered from his fit of laughter, although the corners of his mouth were still curled upwards. “You were trying so hard to decipher the words and got emotionally connected to them in the process. Hence.” He said, leaning in and pointing his index finger to Simon’s forehead. “They’re stuck in here. Although we still have a week, I believe you covered most of these words. We can take it easy on the lessons.”

“And you did all that… by flirting with me?” Simon exclaimed, his eyes wide.

“Well, the theme is romance.” Raphael shrugged. “I believe you’re capable of writing a long ass corny poem or letter.” Raphael explained himself.

Simon was stunned. “Wow.. I don’t know what to say.”

“I got you good, didn’t I?” Raphael chuckled, looking proud. “Pure intentions. Besides, it’s not like you care in the first place. Right?”

“Right.” Simon said, his voice strained. He was too humiliated to say anything else. Of course Raphael would never write him anything like that. Part of him was glad because he really didn’t feel anything for him, and it saved him the time and effort to explain that. The other part was disturbed. What if he was unlikeable? He never got asked out or flirted with. 

“I imagined scenarios of you trying to turn me down for what’s his face, the blonde dude that keeps pouting.” Raphael chuckled, grabbing a water bottle from his backpack. “I bet he fakes it.”

“WHAT?” Simon wheezed, bringing his hand up to the collar of his shirt and tugging at it. Raphael knew. Raphael knew and he probably told everyone in school about it. What if Jace found out as well? This can’t be good. His breaths were constricted. At that rate, he was pretty sure he was red.

“Shit, are you okay?” Raphael asked, getting up and watching him cough. There was no way he was going to pat his back or make any physical contact with him what-so-ever, even if his life was at stake. 

“I’m fine.” Simon murmured, his chest throbbing. “How did you find out about Jace?”

“Uh.. Biology. You and red-head keep talking about him almost all the time. I actually started to believe you three had a threesome going or something.” Raphael taunted.

“Oh my God.” Simon’s breathing got worse, which made Raphael panic. His joke totally backfired. "Clary...Clary is my best friend." 

“Relax! I’m kidding.” He said, reaching out for the bottle on the desk and handing it to Simon. “I think I’m the only one who knows. I sit right behind you guys and you aren’t exactly quiet. I can keep a secret, you know. Now, drink this.”

Simon snatched the bottle, twisted the cap, and took small sips from it.

“Please don’t tell anyone. Please.” Simon looked helpless. It made Raphael feel guilty, and that’s not something he would explicitly admit.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Raphael narrated softly while looking at Simon. "I would never want to do anything to hurt you or anyone I know, Simon. I'm not like this."

His words seemed to calm Simon down a little, for the boy's demeanor wasn't as frantic as it was before then. He doesn't look like the type to trust people a lot, Raphael realized. Raphael never opened up about his feelings or personal affairs to anyone before, so he understood him. Watching Simon recover, he sat down next to him and offered him the bottle again in which Simon silently accepted, taking it and drinking large amounts this time. To Raphael's relief, he started breathing normally again.

“Is that from the bible?” Simon asked him curiously, catching Raphael off guard. He forgot about the verse.

Raphael nodded. “Matthew 7:12.” The Latino responded, recognizing Simon’s expression. The same expression he received from anyone who noticed that he was religious. “What? I was raised a good Catholic.” He said, a prideful smirk on his lips.

Simon smiled, so Raphael took it as a good sign. “See, there you go! Don’t need to hyperventilate. Your secret is safe with me.”

“That's what you said for the fiftieth time now, but thanks.” Simon suppressed the urge to bash his own head against the desk repetitively. He wasn't thinking straight. 

“Let’s take this day off, what do you say?” He suggested, sitting back again. “Magnus’s party is tomorrow. So take the day off, chill around or whatever.”  
Simon hated it when Raphael was being too soft. Raphael’s never soft. It must be really bad for him to be empathetic.

“I’m not invited.” Simon retorted, causing Raphael to roll his eyes. “It’s an open invitation, idiot. You don’t have to be personally invited.”

Simon considered it for a moment. “Will you be going, Raph?” He asked him, subconsciously playing with the hem of his shirt. 

“Don’t call me that.” Raphael cringed, “I don’t like you that much.”

“It's a date!” Simon proclaimed, patting his shoulder and shooting him a lopsided smile. After all the suffering he made him go through, that was the only way they could get even. "Pick me up tomorrow." He chimed, grabbing Raphael's hand and jotting his number down in big digits. "Nine thirty, don't be late."

And it worked.

Raphael glanced over at his shoulder where Simon’s hand was laid, and at the palm of his hand in pure disgust. “If I were you bebé, I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zarigüeya: rat  
> Jesucristo, idiota: Jesus Christ, idiot.  
> bebé: baby


	7. Chapter 7

After school, the two best-friends headed back to Clary’s place. They sat down on the swings in the backyard after Simon insisted they leave her room. She was fighting with her father, and it felt a little too much for him to just stand there and watch them fight. It wasn’t the first time Simon witnessed their feud. He knew that Clary hated her father with every bone in her body. Even her mother hated the man, but she never showed her loathe around Clary. Simon could tell that the only reason Jocelyn was still in the house with a verbally abusive husband and father was because she needed her daughter. She had nowhere to go and no family left except for Clary.

Out in the garden, surrounded with daisies and dandelions and wildflowers, trees that provided them shelter from the blazing sun, he listened as Clary vented. She screamed, tore at the grass, wept, and finally calmed down. That was the side of her that only Simon knew. If you thought that Clary Fray was all rainbows and sunshine, then you don’t know her at all. 

After that, Simon watched her outline facial features on her notepad. He noted that she was finishing Isabelle’s drawing, the one Izzy asked her to do. She drew her with complete ease, the pencil gliding on the sheet ever so gently, as if she already had a vivid image of her that she planned on portraying. However, her hands started to shake again, causing the process to become a little harder than it already was. He reached out for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

“The drawing can wait.” said Simon, interlocking their fingers together. They felt cold against his warm ones. 

“I’m so glad there’s a party tomorrow.” She said, her voice still strained. “I’m literally willing to sleep over at Magnus’s if that’s what it takes to stay as far away from home as possible.”

Simon nodded, his eyes squinted because of the sunlight. “You can always sleep over at mine.”

Clary had already caused enough, she believed. The last thing she wanted was Simon’s mother to nurse her and take care of her. It’ll only make her feel shittier. She wished she had good parents.

“You know; my mom isn’t all that great.” He continued, reading her mind. He always sensed that she harmlessly envied his relationship with his family “When I came out to my mom, she threw me out of the house for a while. She watched me throw up on her porch, called me a monster. Said that it’s a phase, and that she was just hallucinating. Her son was supposed to be _normal_. After a couple of days, she came to her senses, she apologized, said that she supported me. That I’m still her son.” He said without a hint of sadness in his voice. He got used to thinking about it every day that it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Clary’s eyes were open wide. “You…you never told me. You’ve always said how grateful you are for your mother’s and sister’s support.”

He chuckled humorlessly. “What was I supposed to say? My mom was in denial for two days, before she realized what she did was absolutely fucked up? Rebecca…she was too kind. Too understanding. She showed me nothing but support. Now, mom is understanding. She doesn’t say anything about it. She openly talks about it now, asks me if I made any datefriend…”

“That doesn’t mean that she should be forgiven. What she did was so wrong on so many levels.” She said slowly, allowing his words to sink in. 

“Clary, I have no one. I’m so dependent, toxically _dependent_ on everybody in my life. When my mom apologized, I forgave her in a heartbeat. She said she’ll grow to understand, and she did. So I gave her that... I have no one.” He repeated, biting his lip. “If I haven’t forgiven her, all I’d have left is you and Rebecca. And I don’t really see my sister much anymore.”

She leaned in and kissed his cheek. Saying sorry won’t help, saying that she understands won’t help either because she doesn’t. It made her heart ache that he didn’t tell her about what happened before. She would have helped him, or tried in the least. “Parents are horrible.” She started, before laying down and resting her head on Simon’s lap. For once, being short was a good thing. She didn’t have to bend her knees for her to fit in the swing. “Once we graduate, we’ll go to the same college and move out, possibly live in the same apartment.” She daydreamed, closing her eyes with a weak smile.

“We’ll meet new people, fall in love, go to places we’ve never been in.” He was grateful that Clary changed the subject. She understood him without him having to spell the words out for her.

“As long as we stick together, we can make everything work.” Simon uttered, holding a small lock of Clary’s hair and separating it into three equal strands, twirling them around with the intention of braiding them.

“Yeah, that’s one thing I can promise you. I’m with you till the very end.” Clary said, her smile spreading across her face. 

“Till the very end…” Simon echoed, giving up with the braiding after several attempts. “I hope the end is far away,”

“Me too.” Clary said, slowly getting up from his lap and stretching her legs. “Me too,”

\--

The only thing Raphael found annoying when it came to living with Magnus is the fact that he had to condone his best friend and roommate throwing parties at least once per month. Parties meant drunk people and hasty sex and drinks getting spilt all over his clothes. 

All the things he hated in a nutshell.

“You were right.” 

“When am I not right?” Magnus chuckled, sounding pleased with himself as he focused his gaze on the shot glass he had in hand, scrubbing harshly until the stains were all gone. He was already preparing for the party, fixing the lights up and lining the beer bottles on the bar. It looked pretty promising, as always. Raphael was genuinely curious about what outfit Magnus was going to wear this time. No one can ever look better than him, whether he was in school or in parties. Everyone made peace with that. “But what about this time?” He asked softly.

“Simon. I think he really does love that Jace Lightwood boy, just like you said.” Raphael replied, setting the cups down and placing the towel he had been using for the past twenty minutes over his shoulder. “And above all that, he wants me to drive him here, for the party.”

Magnus set the cups down as well to take a good look at him. His hair, although still adorned with glitter, was sticking all over the place like he was running his hand through it for several times. “So it’s like a date, but it’s not…” He yawned, looking as exhausted as he was.

“Not in the slightest.” Raphael snorted, looking a little miserable. “He was very serious today. I asked him about what’s going on, and I think he was trying to let me down gently. I ended up telling him that all these phrases were just for tutoring purposes.” He rolled his eyes. “I also joked about him having a crush over Jace, just to make sure, and he almost choked to death.” 

Magnus started to laugh, earning a harsh glare from Raphael. 

“I could’ve hurt him. I didn’t mean to cause what I caused. Then, he asked me out which I’m assuming was just because of his dire need for a ride. You know the rest.”  
Magnus smiled sympathetically and gently patted his back, which he knew Raphael wouldn’t mind at all. “I’m sorry, angel. You don’t deserve to be sidelined like this. For what it’s worth, I take full responsibility. You can trash me all you want.” He said, puffing his chest up and closing his eyes, as if preparing himself to get emotionally pounded.

“Magnus, Cabrón, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should have seen it coming while I could.” Raphael said, shaking Magnus’s shoulder gently to catch his attention.  


“I was the one who told Mr. Garroway that you can teach him.” Magnus said ashamedly, avoiding his gaze.

“Because you knew that he grew on me, and I appreciate it. So it’s not your fault, okay?” Raphael said reassuringly. 

Magnus nodded, smiling fondly. “I just want you to be with someone.” He admitted. “I want you to be happy, to go out and have fun. The only time I see you outside is when you have to go to school.”

Raphael shrugged, sitting down on the stool. Having partners and going out on dates felt overrated. It didn’t matter to him much. “Meh, I’ll come around.” He said half-heartedly. “It doesn’t matter right now, alright? We have a party to prepare.” He said in a suddenly cheerful tone that Magnus noted was fake.

“Jace likes Clary, a lot.” Magnus blurted, catching Raphael off guard. However, it didn’t surprise. He knew about that. 

“Nothing gets passed you, does it?” Raphael said, however he wasn’t smiling. He felt bad for Simon. “Clary is his best friend. If he finds out, he’s going to be- “

“Crushed? I know.” Magnus interrupted, frowning. “That’s terribly sad.”

“Not sadder than what’s going on between you and Alec.” Raphael replied pointedly, both of his eyebrows lifted up. “It’s like every day he wants to see you, and instead of talking about it you end up making out and then he decides that he can’t see you anymore. You’re both getting hurt.” He ranted tenderly, hoping it wasn’t too much for him to take in. “I  
want to see you happy as well. Not everything is about me.”

Magnus picked up his towel again and continued to clean the glasses. He couldn’t look at Raphael or else he would start sobbing. “The situation’s pretty fragile right now.” He voice was edgy. “I told him that it’s okay for us to be together. No one needs to know, just us. He doesn’t want that. He wants to get married to a woman, have three children and a pet, a house with a white picket fence.” Magnus choked out, trying not to drop the glass he was cleaning. His fingers felt frail, his entire body weak. “It’s his choice.”  
It wasn’t Alec’s fault. Being surrounded by homophobic parents who drill heteronormative ideologies into one’s brain had inevitable outcomes. Magnus tried to make him understand that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but Alec wouldn’t budge. Magnus gave up eventually, leaving him be. 

“You’re the strongest person I’ve known, Magnus. No sugar coating.” Raphael watched him bite back his tears. “You sacrificed your happiness for him, numerous of times already. You don’t owe him anymore, trust me. Being selfish and putting yourself in front of others is sometimes really essential. Do that. Take care of yourself.” Raphael never remembered caring for Magnus as much as Magnus did for him. It felt like a blow to the gut. He should’ve been there for him when he needed him, but it always seemed to be the other way around. “You’re so brave and powerful and kind. I don’t want to see that light inside of you die out.” He took the cup from Magnus’s grip and for the first time since they’ve known each other, which was a pretty long time, Raphael wrapped his arms around Magnus and pulled him in for an awkward but sincere hug. Magnus graciously accepted it and buried his head in his best friend’s shoulder. "You're so important to me, and to everyone really. I hate seeing you like this." 

Magnus was crying right then, his arms tight around Raphael's body. "Oh Raf.." He sniffled. The fact that Raphael hugged him meant the entire world to him. He had never hugged anybody before. "Thank you for everything. I don't deserve this."

Raphael nodded and relaxed into the hug. “Of course, amigo.” He replied. "You're right. You deserve even more."

He let Magnus hug him as much as he wanted as long as it meant that he'd be okay in the end. His happiness mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cabrón: dumbass  
> amigo: friend


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry if this is crappy.  
> i haven't had the time to write, and i realized that this will take more than one chapter  
> anyways, feel free to give constructive criticism, for real  
> if there's anything you realized that was odd or incorrect, point that ish out.

“Are we done now?” Simon whined, glancing over at Clary from where he was sitting on the bed. “It’s just a party, no one cares about how I, of all people, dress.”

Clary had been rummaging through his closet for the past hour or so in a hopeless attempt to find him a good outfit for him to wear. “Simon, can you stop nagging for a minute?” 

She sighed, before she snatched a black shirt from its hanger and looked at it thoughtfully. “There, finally! A shirt that has no zombie reference over it.”

Simon got up to look at the t-shirt as well. “Well, technically yes. But the D&D on it stands for Dungeons and Dragons.” He explained, nodding over at the design that spread at its front.

“I don’t think anyone would notice so you’re good to go.” She shrugged and thrusted a pair of black skinny jeans to his chest. “We’re late, so get dressed. Quickly.”

Simon nodded and headed to the bathroom to change while Clary smoothed down her red skater dress and gazed at her reflection, making sure there wasn’t any lip-gloss accidentally smeared on her cheeks. In a matter of minutes, Simon emerged from the bathroom and walked back to his best friend, tugging at the bottom of his shirt to flatten down the creases. “Do I look good?” He asked shyly.

The D&D logo stretched nicely over his torso. Clary clapped her hands together and grinned. “Regardless of the fact that you look like an emo freshman, the clothes really suit you Simon.” She said approvingly. “You look amazing.”

“Really? Thank you!” Simon’s smile widened as he looked down at himself then back at her. 

Before Clary had the chance to reply, the door bell rung, interrupting their conversation. “I’ll get it. In the meantime, do something with your hair. It’s all over the place.” She snickered gently and left him behind to get to the door. The doorbell kept ringing impatiently until Clary swung it open.

“Jesus Simon, how long does it take for you to-“ Raphael complained grumpily, before his eyes landed on Clary. “Oh, I thought you were Simon.”

“It’s cool. You’re Raphael, right? I’m Clary!” She introduced herself sunnily and stretched her hand out for him to shake, before she remembered that Simon once told her that  
Raphael hated physical contact. She awkwardly let her arm slide back to her side. 

“Uh, hey. It’s nice to meet you.” Raphael replied politely and smiled back, appreciating the fact that she didn’t keep her arm outstretched. 

“Who is it?” Simon yelled from his bedroom and hastily mounted down the stairs, before he tripped over his untied shoelaces and almost fell face first if he hadn’t held on to the banister. However, the impact of the grab sent his glasses flying somewhere Simon couldn’t locate for his vision was terribly blurred. 

“It’s Raphael.” Clary answered, not taking notice of Simon’s mishap.

“Shit, shit shit.” Simon swore quietly and tried to look around to see if he could find his glasses. It was an impossible task, so he gave up eventually and walked to the door with slight difficulty.

“Raphael, hey! I didn’t think you were actually coming to pick me up.” Simon squinted and looked down at the shorter boy. Although his vision was impaired, he could tell that Raphael was wearing a white shirt with a leather jacket and jeans. This was the first time he’d seen him outside of formal apparel, but he liked it that way. “Nice clothes.” Simon remarked with a soft chuckle.

He could have sworn he heard him take in a sharp breath, but he couldn’t tell if it was true since he could barely see anything. “Thank you, novato. I could almost say the same thing. You clean up pretty nicely.” He said with a lopsided smile.

Simon smiled back, and Clary stood between the both of them uncomfortably and watched them stare at each other for God knows how long. Clary cleared her throat. “Um, Simon? Where are your glasses?” She interrupted, ruining the moment they were sharing. Raphael looked away instantly.

“They fell off. I-uh, I’ll be right back.” He stammered, leaving the two of them alone by the door.

“Oh, by the way.” Clary said, turning to face Raphael once again. “I wanted to ask if it’s okay if I ride along with the both of you? I have no one to drive me there.” She asked him, her hands cumbersomely fiddling with the fabric of the dress.

Raphael smiled apologetically and stepped back, pointing at the motorcycle that was parked outside of Simon’s house. “If I knew you needed a ride, I would have gotten Magnus’s car. I’m sorry, but I don’t think the three of us would fit.”

“Oh, no. Don’t worry about it. I’ll find someone, worst case scenario I’ll end up in a cab.” She waved a seemingly careless hand. “Thanks anyways.”

“Alright, I’m ready.” Simon showed up, his glasses now resting on the bridge of his nose. “Let’s go.”

“About that, I think I’m going to take your van if that’s okay.” Clary looked up at Simon, in which he returned her stare with a pointed one. “I feel like going on my own this time.” She wasn’t entirely lying. There was no way she was going to force herself to sit in between the both of them.

“Yeah of course. The keys are in my bedroom.” Simon replied tentatively, “If anything comes up or if you need anything, text me okay?”

“Thanks.” Clary beamed up at him then returned her gaze to Raphael. “Until I make it there, please make sure Simon doesn’t drink too much. He’s an embarrassing drunk.” She warned

“I’ll look after Simon, I promise.” He reassured her, and after they exchanged their goodbyes she shut the door and made her way to Simon’s room to get the keys. As she searched for them, she felt her phone buzz. She took it out and answered without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?” Clary greeted, finding the keys next to Simon’s bedside.

“Hey.” She recognized the caller’s voice. It was Jace.

“Jace, hey! What’s up?” She responded, toying with the keys and jiggling them around.

“I know this is on such short notice, but Alec’s car broke down and we have no ride. Is it okay if you pick the three of us up?” His voice boomed through the speaker of her cellphone

Clary stopped with the rattling and smirked. Simon was going to regret this so badly. “Sure, no problem. Send me your address and I’ll make it there in ten minutes.”

\--

“Is that yours?” Simon trod outside towards the motorcycle, his eyes glittering in admiration. Raphael had certainly been taking care of it, for the engine was spotless, and the paintwork and chrome gleamed under the twilight.

Raphael nodded, his smile growing confidently once he realized how impressed Simon looked. “Yup, this baby’s all mine.” He responded and handed him a helmet that was lying on the seat. “Put this on. Not only will it protect you, but this way if we end up falling off of the bike, you won’t send your glasses flying.” He laughed obnoxiously and climbed up the motorbike with such ease that Simon started to believe that he had been riding motorcycles his whole life.

“Yeah? Just for that, I’m not wearing it.” He handed it back with his face flushed red. Raphael took the helmet for himself and placed it over his head, causing his laughs to grow dimmer. “Your loss.” He countered, returning his attention to the engine and started revving it up.

Clumsily, Simon swung one leg over the pillion and sat down, feeling the contraption tremble underneath him. The sense of apprehension grew deeper in his chest. “Raphael, wait!” He called, his voice shaking with fear and panic that Raphael realized almost immediately.

He turned around to look at him with genuine concern. “Is everything okay?”

“This is all new to me. I’ve never been on a bike before.” He confessed, biting his lip shamefully. “Is it okay if I hold on to you? Just this time.”

Raphael’s body spoke a language of its own, a language that only Simon could understand. It helped that they were pretty close to each other, but he could feel defensiveness spread like wildfire through his body. That’s when he knew he had overstepped his boundaries. “I’m sorry. I should never have asked.” Simon was quick to apologize, as if he was expecting this kind of reaction from him.

Raphael pursed his lips and took a deep breath. “No, no, it’s alright. You can if that’s what you want.” He replied soundlessly.  
Relief washed all over him. For a moment there he assumed that he made Raphael hate him more than he already did. “Thank you.” He smiled weakly and carefully wrapped his arms around his waist. “Is that okay?” He whispered, his front now pressed to Raphael’s rigid back. There was an obvious difference between their body temperatures, Simon recognized. Raphael was freezing.

“It’s okay.” He swallowed thickly, and with an ear-piercing roar, the machine shot out from between his legs and Raphael was already halfway across the street. Simon’s arms subconsciously wrapped themselves tighter and tighter around the boy until he felt that it was safe enough.

On their way to Magnus’s place, millions of thoughts rushed through Simon’s brain all at once, fucking him up in all kinds of ways. The position they’re currently in felt invasive since Simon could feel everything, from Raphael’s heart that was thrumming violently against his chest to ever harsh breath he took every time the bike swiveled from a sharp drift. He wished he could reach out to him and tell him that he was also out of breath and very pumped, but it would be weird.

At some point during the ride, the small spaces left in between them felt too much and Simon wanted to close them all and bury his face in between Raphael’s shoulder blades. The thought of it was overwhelming, so he decided to blame his anxiety instead of admitting that, in reality, he was yearning for him. 

After they made it there, Simon quickly let go of Raphael and got off of the vehicle. “The ride, it was pretty amazing.” Simon breathed out, a ghost of a smile on his lips.  
Raphael did not comment. “Come on, let’s go.” Raphael declared, his hands shoved inside the pockets of his jeans. Simon, biting back the disappointment that resulted from the possibility that Raphael didn’t feel what he was feeling through the entire ride, nodded obediently and walked to the building along with him. It was easy to spot since the blaring music was audible almost a street away. Raphael made a mental note to warn Magnus just in case the neighbors decided to rat him out to the cops.

The first thing Simon felt as he entered inside was nausea. The stench of the alcohol from the beer bottles that littered their doorway was pretty pungent to the point where it tickled his throat. 

“Here we are.” Raphael said, looking as cantankerous as always. 

“You don’t sound excited.” Simon sniggered, taking a look around his place. For a shabby apartment, Magnus sure managed to make it look pretty neat and spacious. Florescent lights surrounded them, light colors blinking to the beat of the music that was picked out. Dubstep, Simon predicted. In a sense, it felt like a backdrop for the clinking of glasses and drone-like chatter of the people present inside. 

Simon loved it

“That’s because I’m not.” Raphael scoffed, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but socializing is not my forte.”

Simon giggled, a genuine whole-hearted laugh, and resisted the urge to grab Raphael from his arm. “Let’s go get some drinks from the kitchen before it gets too crowded in there. I'll teach you how to have real fun.” He suggested gleefully. Raphael watched him maneuver around the crowd, and felt his heart throb. With a smile as wide as the one he was wearing, there was no way anyone could say no. 

\--

The scent of vanilla filled Simon’s van, and Clary wanted to stay inside of it forever.

The three siblings got inside the vehicle and thanked her repetitively for being able to come and pick them up. During the ride, Isabelle was stubbornly fixing at the collar of Alec’s shirt and making sure he looked ‘presentable’. Jace sat next to her and kept talking about how excited he was to go to the party, and for a second there Clary wished Simon was around. He would have been the one driving the car and talking to Jace while Clary hung around with Isabelle in the backseats. Within fifteen minutes, they were inside Magnus’s now stuffy apartment and were greeted by the crowds of sweaty people dancing and having drinks.

“Alec, remember to have a good time, alright? Mom and Dad aren’t here. Do whatever it is that you want to do.” Isabelle said after she dragged them to a corner to talk privately. From the corner of her eyes, she spotted Jace and Clary searching for Simon.. “Go look for Magnus.”

Alec wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. He was taking relationship advice from his little sister, and what he hated the most was the fact that she was right. He should be looking for Magnus.

“What about you?” Alec said, glancing down at Isabelle. “What are you going to do?”

“I have nothing to hide.” Isabelle smiled up at her big brother. “I’m going to have a good time, have a couple of drinks, and find a boy _or girl_ to dance with. Because there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“What about our parents, Izzy? Do you know how much in trouble we’ll-“ He was cut off by Isabelle’s furious objection.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about what Mom and Dad think.” She spat. “This is who I am, dammit, this is who you are. Being attracted, actually in your case, loving a person is not something you should be ashamed of.” She continued to rant, her fingers curled into fists at her sides. “Just, please. I want you to be happy, Alec. Do what’s right.” She whispered, her voice lower now. “Talk to him.” 

Alec’s eyes were wide as he allowed everything his sister just said to him sink in. There wasn’t anyone around them to judge. He could do this. “Alright, okay. I’ll do it. I’ll talk to Magnus.” He breathed out, forcing a smile on his face to mask the fact that he was on the verge of shaking. “Thank you, Iz.”

She nodded and left him behind, dissolving somewhere in the crowd. His eyes frantically searched for Magnus until he spotted him on a bar-stool with a fancy looking drink in his hand. Their eyes met, and Magnus’s features twisted from lonesomeness to hopefulness. Alec’s legs betrayed him as they pushed through the crowd mercilessly till he was standing in front of the boy he loved.

It wasn't like he hadn't considered the consequences or outcomes for they were the only things that kept him up at night. Isabelle's speech was the push he needed to wreck down the walls he built around himself. He deserved to be himself, and he deserved to love and be loved. And there was no way he could achieve that if he wasn't being true to himself and the person that he loved more than anything.

Magnus watched Alec march towards him in confusion. “Alexander?” He questioned softly.

And that was when Alec grabbed him from the collar of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss without a care in the world. _I am safe here, I am myself_ , he thought. Their lips were moving in concord, as though they couldn't get enough of each other, as though to devour each other with their lips, mouths, and tongues would be the only way to express what they felt. Alec wanted that kiss to make up for lost time so badly.

Magnus pulled back to look at Alec, his chest rising and falling violently. "Alexander." He whispered happily, on the verge of tears as he cupped his face and smiled widely. "It really is you! You finally came to me"

A crowd formed around them, but that was blurred out of their picture. They were too caught up with each other to bother themselves about it.

"It should have been sooner, I know." Alec replied softly, happy tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. "But I'm here. I'm here."

Magnus laughed merrily and pulled him in for another passionate kiss. They were together now, together at last.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1.5k hits i love you guys so much ok  
> as usual, i'm always open to criticism, ideas, or remarks concerning plot-holes that i still haven't filled in

Totally oblivious to the fairylike kiss Magnus and Alec had shared in front of everybody, Simon sneaked an entire bottle of vodka from the fridge in the kitchen and practically dragged Raphael out to the balcony for a good game of Never Have I Ever.

“So you’ve never played any drinking games before?” Simon questioned him as they sat down on the cushions that were laid out on the terrace. It wasn’t too crowded there, so he felt rather relaxed.

Raphael shook his head and sighed. “Not really. I rarely drink, and when I do I’m usually alone.”

“You tend to be vulnerable when you’re drunk, huh?” Simon twisted the cap of the bottle and poured its contents on the glasses. “I hate drinking alone because I always end up thinking of things that I don’t want to think about. Drinking games are really fun; they take your mind off of stuff.”

Raphael listened to him absorbedly, wondering if it was too obvious that he tended to be emotional when under the influence. Nevertheless, he chose not to expand on that subject any longer. “So what are the rules?”

“Alright so basically, I have to say something that I have never done before and if you did do that thing at some point in your life, you have to take a shot. You start up with lame things at first then they start escalating. We’ll take turns.” Simon explained, setting the vodka bottle down once he filled dozens of shot glasses. 

Raphael looked displeased. “Whatever. You go first.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “Don’t be such a buzzkill. It’s a party, loosen up already!” He teased gently. “Okay, never have I ever been to church.” He questioned him, knowing that  
Raphael probably went to church every Sunday. 

Raphael winced as he reached out for his glass. “Atheist?” He asked and took a shot, blenching at the sharp taste.

“Nope, I’m actually Jewish.” Simon watched Raphael in pure amusement. “Glad you downed the entire thing.”

“Only for your sheer pleasure.” Raphael countered sarcastically, flipping the glass upside down. “My turn. Never have I ever..” He paused, already running out of ideas. “…kissed someone on the first date?”

Simon didn’t drink. “I’ve never been on a first date.” He admitted bashfully.

Raphael smiled warmly, which made Simon feel weird. Raphael can be really nice when he’s not spewing sarcastic comments everywhere he went. “That’s cute.”

“Shut up.” Simon blushed darkly.

“Dates are overrated, really.” Raphael shrugged and chuckled gently. “Your turn.”

“Never have I ever went through a life changing experience.” Simon proclaimed. And it was true. He had been the same person since forever. He had always played the guitar, always went to school, always been a pansexual, always ordered the same drinks in the only café he visits, had the same best friend since kindergarten. In a way, he wanted things to stay the way they are. He hated changes. And frankly, he was somewhat happy with how life had been treating him so far.

Raphael took another shot. Simon waited for him to say something, but he didn’t, so he asked him. “What was it?”

Raphael didn’t reply at first, his eyes torn away from Simon. Maybe it was a sensitive topic that he didn’t feel like talking about. Simon felt guilty for asking. “Part of it was moving in here with Magnus.”

“Oh, I always thought you lived with him.” Simon replied silently, respecting Raphael’s privacy for he didn’t press any more questions.

Raphael shook his head. “Nah, I only moved in more than a year ago. Magnus offered to share his apartment with me, and I said yes. I was going through some difficult shit back then, I guess I still do..? I don’t know.” He exhaled and smiled half-heartedly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Simon offered softly, an encouraging smile on his face.

Raphael shook his head and chuckled. “Let it be a story for another time. I don’t feel like I trust you enough.” He joked lightly.

Simon laughed. “I hope I can earn your trust, Raph. You can always talk to me. Ring me up during the midnight and vent. I’m your guy.”

Raphael grinned. “Thanks. I suppose there’s no harm in considering your proposal. By the way, good job at not turning the game into a sentimental episode.” He said with both eyebrows pointed upwards. They were so well defined that Simon was almost sure that he filled them in.

Simon raised his hands up defensively. “I didn’t intend on doing so, okay? Besides, it’s your turn.”

Raphael nodded, already easing up to Simon. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the moment they just shared, but he felt like he could trust him with anything. “Never have I ever came out of the closet.”

Raphael was in the closet? That’s something he did not expect at all. Allowing the new information to sink in, he took a shot. “I came out last year.” Simon stated politely.  
“I’ve only ever come out to Magnus and now you.” Raphael’s grin widened. “I’m a homoromantic asexual.”

“Wow.” Simon chuckled. It feels great to be trusted with something like that. Raphael definitely took their friendship to the next level. “Would you look at that? Raphael is a part of our community!”

“And with pride!” Raphael chimed and giggled. 

The intimidating Raphael was giggling right before his eyes.

And although it had to be the cutest thing in the entire fucking universe for Simon, he could tell that Raphael was already drunk.

“But not much pride, since I’m still in the closet. But you get me.” Raphael continued to murmur. 

Simon laughed, and as he reached out to playfully shove Raphael, he accidentally spilled a couple of the filled glasses all over his leather jacket.  
He turned from a seventeen-year-old laughing angel to a raging bull within seconds. “My _JACKET_!”

“Oh my gosh.” Simon gasped, a hand over his mouth. “Raphael oh my gosh I’m so sorry!”

“ _Mierda, mierda, joderme!_ ” Raphael hissed loudly. The fact that Simon couldn’t understand a word he said made him freak out even more. He grabbed a napkin and tried to dab on the stain on the jacket, however he caused it to spread.

“Fuck, okay I’m going to step back.” Simon dropped the napkin and watched Raphael remove his jacket.

“Good call.” Raphael commented sternly, and looked down at his shirt. Alcohol soaked his shirt underneath as well, and he started to reek of it. “You ruined my clothes, Simon.”

“But the good news is, you live here!” Simon tried pathetically. Raphael would have found it to be adorable if he wasn’t too busy mourning over his ruined jacket. “Let’s go to your room and find you something to change into!”

“Damn right, and you’re coming with me to help cover this up. My room is down the corridor, and thankfully far away from where the party is being held. If anyone sees me in this horrendous state, you’re explaining.” Raphael sighed and looked down at his jacket. It was one of his favorites.

Simon nodded compliantly and lead them to his bedroom. On his way, he tried his hardest not to laugh at how disheveled and messy Raphael looked. Nonetheless, he envied how good-looking he still was despite it all.

\--

“Ugh, move!!” Clary yelled angrily, wiggling through the crowd and forcefully elbowing a couple of people who purposely held their ground. “Simon. Simon!!” She called out for her best friend who seemed to be nowhere around. 

“Watch where you’re going, asshole.” Someone spat at her, which made her blood instantly boil with irritation. Clary whipped her head in this person’s direction and was about to yell back when Jace appeared behind her and held her protectively by her arm. “Woah, hey. Everything alright?”  
Clary turned around and looked up at him, forcing an awkward laugh. She always wished she was the sappy kind of drunk. Instead, drinking was the only way she could express her rage and then blame it on the alcohol instead of herself. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Some jerk wanted to fight me and I got a little carried away.” She explained herself and tugged her arm back from his grip. He was swaying to and fro on his feet, Clary noticed. He must have had one too many drinks as well. “Have you seen Simon?”

Jace shook his head, “No, sorry.” He apologized, frowning. “If I see him around, I’ll text you or something.”

Clary sighed, and before she had the chance to leave him behind, he rapidly walked up to her again. “Clary, can we talk?”

“Well…can it wait?” Clary begged impatiently. “The party was fun and all but I’m exhausted and it’s jam-packed in here. I need to find Simon and leave.” Currently, her short height wasn’t doing her any favors. She can merely peak over people’s shoulders let alone scan through them to find him. It was useless.

Jace faltered, his lips opening and closing due to palpable reluctance. “I’m drunk.” He slurred and sucked in a shaky breath. “And I really need to talk to you. There are so many things that I have to let out. Please?” He pleaded while running an anxious hand through his hair.

Clary pursed her lips. It wasn’t exactly the right time to play doctor and nurse his feelings, but his tone was urgent. There was no way she was going to shut down a friend in need. “Fine, but on one condition: you’re going to have to look for Simon with me.” She bargained. After he promised her to do so, she held him by his arm gingerly and pulled him away from the mob of clammy bodies that were waving around wildly under the influence.

Maladroit dancing reminded her of Simon; she started to inconspicuously panic once again. 

Her thoughts were interrupted once she noticed that she had lead them inside an empty corridor. “We’re alone.” She whispered to Jace in a reassuring tone. “You can tell me anything here.”

Jace looked down at his feet and started laughing acrimoniously. “I can’t believe this. I feel ridiculous.”

“About what?” Clary asked him carefully, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall.

In his house, Jace was used to yelling and getting yelled at. Isabelle was always fighting with their parents, and Alec had to go through their never-ending reprimands. Hearing Clary’s careful and gentle voice was so comforting. He really needed her, now more than ever.

He shook his head and continued to laugh, forcing himself to lift his head up to meet her gaze. “I’m so whipped. I’ve never been like this around anyone before.”

“Whipped? I don’t understand.” Clary tilted her head in confusion and reached out for Jace’s hand once again. It was sort of like an impulsion. She always held Simon’s hand encouragingly when he was opening up to her, so it wasn’t supposed to be awkward. “Whipped over who?”

Jace froze at the touch and looked down at their hands, his quiet laughter coming to a halt. “Did you see…” He used the short pause to clear his throat. “Magnus and Alec? They look really happy. I’m so proud of them.”

Clary bit her lip, not seeing where this is going. “Yeah! I did, actually. That’s also why I was looking for Simon. I wanted to tell him about it, I bet he’d be really happy for the both of them. I know I am.”

Jace coerced a smile. “It made me think of how strong Alec was to finally come out in the open. He had been struggling to be himself for as long as I can remember. I was comparing his battle with mine, and realized that mine wasn’t really a battle.” He swallowed, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “I’m privileged for I can be myself without having to risk losing my parents or a roof over my head or getting hated on by cruel people. I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish people can love whoever they wanted to love without getting treated like bullshit for it.”

She scowled. If Jace was privileged, that automatically meant that he was straight. And that’s not something Clary was looking forward to hear. If she told Simon, he’d end up being devastated. Unrequited love was the worst.

“I understand.” She did not elaborate. There was no way she was going to tell him that as a bisexual, she feared for her life as well. If her abusive father were to find out that she was queer, he would cut her in half. The thought of it made her body shudder with resentment and fear. She despised him. “Your brother is undeniably brave.”

“Yeah!” Jace grinned distantly. “He’s happy now, and all it took was telling the person that he loved how he felt towards him. And I plan on doing the same.” His voice shook as he spoke. “I’m done with beating around the bush. Clary, I have feelings for you. Ever since we met in Chemistry, every time we hung out or did something together, these feelings started to grow stronger. Then you introduced me to your best friend, Simon. And I thought maybe, just maybe, you feel the same way.”

Jace stopped and looked at her, as if he was waiting for her to confirm his doubts. “Do you?”

Clary tasted bile in her mouth. She swallowed bitterly and shook her head slowly, letting go of his hand. “You’re drunk.” She said, her eyes wide in disbelief. “What you’re saying, it- it’s not true.”

“I feel like I can always be myself around you. My façade wears off instantly. I don’t know why, but it’s always like this only when I’m next to you.” He continued. Even though he was drunk, she knew he meant every word he said by the way he was looking at her.

It was the same way Simon looked at him. A mix of desperation and hope both at the same time.

Her heart twisted callously as she watched him lean in and brush a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. “I really like you, Clary Fray.” His breath fanned her face.

She felt filthy. Simon trusted her with a task that she couldn’t carry out. Not only that, but if he found out that she made Jace fall in love her, he would never talk to her again. 

There was no way she was going to tell him.

“Jace, please.” She whispered softly, her body frozen against the wall. He was too close for comfort. “Can we talk about this when you’re sober?”

He looked shattered, as if she just sunk her hand inside his chest and ripped his heart out. “What?” 

“I don’t want you to make any decision that you might regret later on.” She replied warily as she realized that there was absolutely no space between them.

“It’s not like I don’t want this.” Jace alleged tenderly, watching her with dilated pupils. It was definitely the alcohol that was already in his system. “It’s not like I haven’t been wishing to be this close to you.” He continued, however he wasn’t touching her anymore. He valued the importance of consent, and if she didn’t want him close, he respected that  
Jace was never the bad guy here. “If you want me to leave, just say it. Say the words, and I’m a gone.”

Right now, she wanted him gone. She wanted to go home and sleep it off and worry about how the fuck she’s going to break it to Simon the next day. In response, she leaned up to press a remorseful kiss on his cheek.  
“Jace, I don’t like you this way, and even if we’re drunk out of our minds right now, I would never lead you on and claim that I feel things that I don’t feel for you. I hope you’d understand that.”

Jace stepped back, his eyebrows knitted together and his lower lip dropped down in shame and regret. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and sniffed quietly, before he scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. He tried to form a coherent sentence, and after repetitive attempts, he looked like he was about to implode.  
“Me too.” He managed to utter, sniffling and turning around to walk away. Watching him in such a fragile state stunned her. This was the first time she ever broke someone’s heart, and it felt like shit.

“Oh, and by the way.” Jace re-emerged from the dance floor after he had left the corridor and cynically nodded towards two figures that were lingering in the darkness, “I found him.”

Her eyes undecidedly trailed towards where Jace nodded, and what she saw caused her to recoil in horror.

A pair of glossy eyes behind thick spectacles met hers, and for a moment there she felt like all the oxygen had been knocked out of her lungs. 

Simon had been watching them this whole time, and beside him was Raphael, who looked at her in disappointment but not with surprise. She wanted to walk up to them and explain herself, that what Jace did was not something she planned, but Simon was already storming outside the apartment, with Raphael on his heels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mierda, mierda, joderme: shit, shit, screw me


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was listening to how by daughter while writing this so obviously the outcome is that every character here is emotionally distressed.  
> BUT IT'S AN ENTIRE CHAPTER OF SAPHAEL SO BLESS UP AND NEVER DOWN.
> 
> oh and also there's description of vomiting if that shit makes you uncomfortable you can skip the first couple of lines!!

The sound of the door clicking shut and getting locked was audible stalls away from where Simon was sitting, hunched over the toilet with his sweaty palms clenched around the toilet seat. 

Raphael couldn’t drive them back to his place since he was drunk to the point where the alcohol was starting to impair his vision and sense of direction, so he lead Simon to a public restroom that was a few buildings away from the apartment. 

Simon’s face paled as he felt something surge from his gut up to his throat. “I don’t feel so good.” He stated weakly and gasped for his breath.

Raphael grabbed a handful of tissue papers and went over to the stall where Simon was at. “Here, take these.” He whispered gently and handed him the tissues while he sat on his knees next to him. He silently thanked the Lord that he was there for Simon when it all happened. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine what would happen if he was wandering by himself in the streets in the middle of the night in such a state. Scowling, he reached out for Simon’s glasses so that he could slide them off of his face. 

“Leave.” Simon muttered, sounding breathless. It was humiliating enough for Raphael to witness his heart getting ripped out of his chest and stomped on, but now he was going to watch him throw up and potentially weep himself to sleep in the bathroom. He wondered why a self-possessed person such as Raphael would linger around with him in a room contaminated with undigested stench and eagerly provide him with more and more tissues.

Raphael didn’t reply, instead he sat down on the cool floor and leaned his back against the wall defiantly. It wasn’t like Raphael to hang around in unsanitary public spots with clothes that were stained with alcohol and dirt. Not to mention his unruly hair; the gel’s effect wore off due to sweat, causing his curly hair to stick out in different directions. 

Nonetheless, what struck Simon the most was despite the state Raphael was in, he still looked placid and collected with his back against the wall and his eyes boring into his own. It reminded him of the day they first met back in the library; Simon could have sworn that nothing about him was spontaneous. He always took his time thinking before he spoke, and his movements were always intended and careful, his hands elegant as they maneuvered over the desk they used to study on. Looking at him, for some reason, made him feel that everything was okay for a moment. 

After Simon threw up almost everything he ate and drank today, he flushed the toilet and got up on his feet with immense struggle to clean himself up thoroughly and rinse. “Raphael?” He called, his voice hoarse.

“Hm?” Raphael replied and got up from where he was sitting to join him. Simon looked at his own reflection in the mirror, and noticed how droopy his face looked. He saw Raphael over his shoulder, and their eyes met through the mirror. 

Their prolonged eye contact was all it took for his tears to break free. He collapsed on the floor once again and cried out, loud and tired, with his hands locked in fists in his hair.  
Although Raphael’s skin crawled with protest, he forced himself to sit down next to him and let his arms wrap around his figure. All he could do was embrace him and let the flood of tears soak through his shirt. He was screaming helplessly, suffocating with each breath he took holding onto his pride. Raphael closed his eyes and let Simon’s cries hum him to temporary solace, but it felt impossible. His stomach was twinging with hurt, as if he was the one that just got betrayed.

“I’m sorry.” Simon wept against his chest and clung to him. “I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Raphael stated simply. Magnus would always end up apologizing for opening up, and Simon was replicating that. He hated it. “Never apologize to me about your feelings.”

Simon pushed himself off of him after a minute or two and wiped at both of his cheeks savagely. “I’m overreacting, and I feel pretty silly about it.” He paused to look at Raphael. “Am I overreacting? You were with me when it all happened… you saw.” His voice cracked. “Is the alcohol clouding my judgement?”

“I think it would be unwise if we talk about this right now. You should hear Clary out first. Although we couldn’t hear them, she didn’t look all too pleased with what was going on. She pushed him away, several times.” Raphael sighed, his arms loosening from around him. 

“What if… what if they were already dating and they just had a fight.” Simon spluttered, trying to find some sort of excuse to torment himself even more.  
Raphael chuckled, a sad quiet chuckle. “There’s no way Isabelle’s brother would date Clary. If she were to know that what they had wasn’t platonic, she would burn. And there  
isn’t anything Isabela doesn’t know about.”

“Why?” Simon asked, dumbfounded. He felt too dizzy and outdone to be able to connect the dots by himself.

“She likes Clary.” Raphael shrugged. “So rest assured, Simon. Don’t do anything idiotic before you talk to her. She’s your best friend after all. She would never hurt you.”

The rest of Raphael’s sentence was blurred out by the loud thumping of his heart. The room was spinning, and the only prominent thing to him at that point was their proximity. They were both in their most vulnerable state, and Simon hazily reached out to cup Raphael’s cheek. “You’ve never been this close to me.” Simon slurred. “I feel like I can read you, like…like an open book.” He whispered quietly and smiled. He could barely hear himself out as well, but the interaction felt peaceful.

The thought of them like this loitered in his head until he found himself passing out in his arms. 

==

Simon woke up in the middle of the night with his head throbbing painfully. He tried to sit up, but the awful pain that pulsed through his body was a clear objection. His mouth was dry and he felt like shit in almost every part of his body. Regardless of how dark it was, he could tell that he was in his own bed because he could hear Yossarian, his cat, snoring peacefully next to him. Sluggishly, he got up with a loud grunt and flipped the lights on. What was eerie was the fact that he had no memory of what happened before he was put to sleep. There were only flashes here and there of Jace and Clary together at the party, and of him and Raphael in the bathroom. 

“¡Apaga las luces!” A voice beneath him moaned, causing him to jump in his place out of fear. “What the fuck?!” Simon exclaimed, pacing towards the source of the voice despite the pain that was shooting up his spine. What he saw caused him to gasp in surprise.

Raphael turned away from the sudden bright light that filled the room and grabbed the pillow he was sleeping on to place it over his head. He didn’t look all too pleased with waking up so suddenly.

“Raphael?? What are you doing here?” He asked and rubbed at his eyes. “Why are you sleeping… on my bedroom’s floor?”

Raphael didn’t reply. He probably fell asleep again, so Simon took it as a chance to go downstairs to grab some aspirin pills from the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. There was no way he was going to make sense of what was going on if his brain felt like it was melting inside of his skull. After downing his pill, he filled a glass of water and went back to his room. “Raphael, get up. I got you some aspirin.”

Raphael wasn’t responsive until Simon had to literally yank the pillow off of his head. “Idiota, can’t you see I’m asleep?” He growled, sitting up in despair.

“Do you know where you are?” Simon asked, smiling smugly. “You’re hungover, in my room. I don’t recall what happened after the party.”

“I do.” He sighed, taking the pill from Simon and swallowing it with the water. “You passed out in the bathroom, I had to carry you and search the streets for a cab. You should be thankful I didn’t have as many drinks as you did.” He said, passing the cup back to Simon before he lied back down on the floor.

“You carried me?” Simon asked, stunned.

“Like a bride in my arms.” Raphael teased, laughing softly before moaning again. His body still felt sore. “Walked so many streets that my legs grew numb. If I hadn’t found a cab at the last minute, I would have probably passed out as well.”

Simon blushed furiously. “I can’t believe you did that. You know you didn’t have to get me back home, right? I could’ve handled myself.”

Raphael rolled his eyes and sat up as well. Simon didn’t look like he was about to sleep anytime soon. And in that case, it was almost impossible to shut him up. “And leave you, a drunken mess, in a public bathroom on your own? Of course not. I would never leave you.”

Simon smiled, a small shy smile. His eyes felt terribly heavy, and he assumed they were still red and swollen from all the crying. He hated feeling weak. But at the same time, he didn’t want to confront Clary about it just yet. He just felt disgusted with himself, disgusted with how hopeful he was about the possibility of having Jace for himself. All this time he was falling harder and deeper for a person that only talked to him to get to his best friend. He cringed.

“What’s up?” Raphael asked, watching Simon’s features twist in repugnance.

“Sleep with me.” He answered, looking at Raphael. 

“What?” Raphael inhaled sharply, obviously shocked.

Simon stood up and understood how misleading he sounded. “You’re not sleeping on the floor.” He proclaimed. “I’m not your responsibility, yet you kept teaching me Spanish even after the two weeks were over. I got wasted in a party and threw an entire episode, yet you got me back home safely and slept here so that I wouldn’t wind up on my own. And what’s funny is you never want anything from me in return... I can’t say I deserve all of this, because I don’t. Because you deserve better.” He ranted, trying to look as nonchalant as possible although he felt like he was getting stabbed a million times. Raphael really did deserve better than him. “Besides, I really don’t want to sleep alone. Not tonight.”

Nobody has ever said anything remotely close to what Simon just confessed. It shocked him beyond words to see a person other than Magnus appreciate him or make him feel welcomed. “Are you sure? You don’t have-“

“I’m sure.” Simon promised. And with that said, Raphael joined him in his bed, which was warm and welcoming.

It felt odd, but nice, so nice that Raphael was smiling to himself. Even Yossarian was pleased to have him around, for it sat between the distance that separated their bodies and willed itself to sleep. And from where he was lying, he could hear Simon’s soft breaths, light enough to lull him to sleep. 

“Thank you.” He whispered in the dark as he stared at the ceiling. 

Simon turned to his side to look at the silhouette of the body that was resting next to him. “For what?”

“For this.” Raphael answered blissfully. “For everything.”

Simon smoothly searched for Raphael’s hand under the sheets and once he found it, he held it loosely. 

He didn’t pull back, so Simon linked their fingers together and gave it a soothing squeeze. “It’s the least I could do.” 

That night was the first night Raphael slept soundlessly without any nightmares of his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “¡Apaga las luces!” : Turn the lights off.  
> Idiota: Idiot


	11. Chapter 11

Raphael was never well acquainted with emotions.

As a matter of fact, he had been avoiding his emotions and personal conflicts for a while now. He can only go as far as laughing at other people's misfortunes due to his cynical persona, or scowl whenever he feels uncomfortable or emotional. In short, he was never familiarized with emotions. So when he woke up the next morning in Simon's arms, he felt overwhelmed with dozens of different emotions. Simon must have spooned him in his sleep.

If there was one emotion he could identify, it was safety. He knew how safety felt like from when he was only a small child, when his mother used to tuck him into his bed and sing him to sleep. Once he started to doze off, she used to press a ghost of a kiss on his forehead and whisper how proud she was of her child, her eldest. He knew that his younger brothers were always awfully jealous by the amount of affection he always had garnered, and he discreetly took pride in that.

Raphael swallowed bitterly at the memory and shifted in the boy’s arms, desperate to take his mind off of his past, and that was when he was met with Simon's unconscious body that was curled up next to him in a fetal position. He looked so peaceful and calm, a state that always contradicted Raphael's own. His fingers itched to gently trace Simon's facial features, to pull him closer and bury his face in his chest, to indulge himself in that illusion of a sanctuary that he's trying to hold on. It was the first time he ever craved physical contact in so long. However, he couldn't. Simon wasn't his, and he probably doesn't think about him that way. He shouldn't be taking advantage of him in his sleep, so the wisest thing to do at this point was to get up, which he did. He pried Simon's arms off of his body softly so that he wouldn't wake up, and silently tip-toed to the door. Maybe if he made some breakfast for the both of them, it would be considered somewhat of a ‘thank you’ gesture to Simon for letting him sleep over. However, he was uncertain if he had the  
jurisdiction to roam around freely in his house.

Whatever, it was Simon and he was making him breakfast. There’s no harm in that at all. He used that as motivation to go downstairs and search for the kitchen, but that quest he had in mind was shortly interrupted once he accidentally ran into a shorter girl, who in return, widened her eyes in horror. She immediately reached out for the first thing she could curl her fingers around, which was a family photo in a cheap-looking frame, and held it up as a weapon of self-defense. “Who are you??!” She screamed, her mouth twisting in fear. “Get out of the house right now…or…or I’m calling the cops!”

“Woah, hey!” Raphael put his hands up defensively. Simon never mentioned having any relatives or siblings. The girl looked too young to be his mother, however old enough to probably be the eldest. They did look alike after all. “I’m Raphael, Simon’s friend. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you and scare you like that!” He explained himself, sounding genuinely apologetic.

Rebecca slowly placed the photo frame back on the counter but kept eyeing Raphael suspiciously. So for further explanation, he added. “We came back from a party last night, and I slept over.”

Rebecca let go of the frame. “Oh.” She whispered, her cheeks red in embarrassment. “Sorry… it’s just that…” She tried to search for words, looking Raphael up and down as her lips twitched with uncertainty. 

Raphael looked down at himself and automatically understood what she was trying to say. He looked horrible. His clothes were ruined and covered with stains, and he pretty much looked like shit. He groaned. “I look really bad. I know that.” He sighed and chuckled awkwardly. “I did not intend on leaving such a bad first impression. I don’t look like that, really. Last night was _pretty wild_ and I got caught up.”

“Wild?” Rebecca asked, baffled. Her face flushed deeper and deeper with color by each second. “Oh my gosh, you’re Simon’s boyfriend?? I didn’t know Simon was seeing anybody.” She said, laughing. “Well hey, I also didn’t plan on meeting my brother’s boyfriend while simultaneously hanging a frame over his head in defense. I guess this day isn’t going as planned for either of us.”

“WHAT?” It was Raphael’s turn to look shocked. Great, how was he going to explain himself now? Ah no, I just drunkenly came back from a party with your brother in my arms and ended up sleeping on his bedroom’s floor for most of the night, and here I am having a tour of my own around your house on a Sunday morning. Totally believable. “We aren’t together. We’re just friends.” He explained casually.

“….Right.” Rebecca trailed in disbelief. Irritated, Raphael tried to come up with something else, but was cut off by the sound of loud footsteps coming from upstairs. “Hey!” Simon chirped, his eyes barely cranked open. Raphael smiled fondly. “I see you’ve met the disappointment of the family.”

Rebecca scoffed. “Yeah, we actually just met. Why didn’t you tell me you have a boyfriend, Si?” She teased vengefully. 

Raphael stiffened, shooting Simon a helpless look. Simon nodded reassuringly in his direction and averted his attention back to Rebecca. “Because I know you’re still desperately single. Didn’t want to rub more salt on that wound.” He retorted with a victorious smirk. His comeback obviously was the best, for Rebecca angrily glared at him. 

“At least get one side of the story right. Raphael said you were just friends. Guess that’s a case of unrequited love.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Nah, Raph’s just shy, right babe?” Simon joked, turning his gaze to Raphael. Raphael looked between the two and swallowed. He hated being a part of this, mostly because Simon’s words made his stomach churn.

“Yeah, that’s me. I’m shy.” Raphael answered half-heartedly with a fake smile that Rebecca could recognize a mile away.

“That’s cute.” She smiled, dropping the argument once she sensed his discomfort. “Anyways, if you guys want breakfast, I’ve already mixed some pancake batter. I’ll heat them up and you can eat with me. Sounds cool?”

“I’m on an empty stomach since yesterday. Hungry wouldn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now.” Simon nodded eagerly.

“You’re starving? Famished? Ravenous?” Raphael suggested, shrugging. “I can list some Spanish words as well if you want.”

“Oh please no. Don’t.” Simon rolled his eyes. “I’m too tired for this.”

The two followed Rebecca to the kitchen and helped with fixing the table and lining the bottles of syrup next to the plates. This sense of domesticity affected Raphael in a way where Simon caught him humming and smiling to himself a couple of times. It hit Simon pretty hard. There’s probably so many things he still doesn’t know about him. He was much more than his tough and raw exterior.

“Tell me things about yourself.” Simon whispered to Raphael who was sitting next to him. Rebecca had to physically push them away from the stove since they both smell and look pretty awful, so they ended up sitting down on the table and patiently wait for her to finish up.

“Where is this coming from?” Raphael chuckled, tilting his head to the side. “I bet you still got a little bit of alcohol in you.”

“I’m sober, and still hungover.” Simon huffed. “Seriously though, I want to know more about you.”

“Can this wait? At least till I shower and look semi-decent. I can’t blab on about my personal life while looking like a resurrected corpse.” Raphael sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his gaze focused on Simon’s chest rather than on his face. He tried his best to play it off as nonchalant, but it didn’t pass by Simon. He instantly felt mortified for asking, once again. He should have learned to stop asking him about his personal life after what happened back in the party last night, but not even hunger can shut him up. “Do you mind if I borrow any of your clothes?” asked Raphael, changing the subject.

“Not at all. I’m taller, so all of my clothes should fit you.” Simon teased, when in reality he’d love to see him wearing any of his clothes. 

Raphael snorted. “I bet no one ever asked to borrow anything from your closet before. You dress like a dork, but it somewhat appeals to me… I can’t believe I just said that.” He mumbled regretfully.

Simon leaned in towards him, a playful smirk on his face. “Raphaaaeelll, did you just say that you find me appealing?” He asked and poked his chest lightly.

Raphael swatted his finger away, looking appalled. “Don’t twist my words! I didn’t say that.”

“But you meant it.” Simon giggled. “Rebecca! Raphael thinks I’m attractive.”

Rebecca turned around to face them, a pan in her firm grip. “At least someone does.” She laughed and observed the two of them. This was the first time she saw him cozying up to somebody other than Clary. The thought of it sparked some curiosity inside her. “By the way Si, how come Clary’s not around? I haven’t seen her since-“ She inquired while placing a neat stack of pancakes on each of their plates, only stopping once she noticed Raphael shaking his head frantically from the corner of her eye. “Since…” She trailed, her eyes settling on Simon’s face which went from cheerful and happy to miserable in a matter of seconds. “Simon? Are you okay?” She asked, confused.

Simon managed to let the memory of last night slip away completely from his mind. He woke up in a warm bed and was feeling oddly cheerful. Now he feels like he just got punched in the face several times. Although the reminiscence of it was lingering in the back of his mind, he managed to push it away far enough that it wouldn’t bother him. Now that it was said out loud, it felt like a fresh bruise.

“Sure. Everything’s peachy.” Simon spat sarcastically.

“I see.” Rebecca bit her bottom lip and grabbed her plate. “Well, I’m going to go eat in my bedroom. I hope the pancakes taste good, I think I burnt half of them.” She smiled repentantly, then quickly left them so that they could have their privacy. Obviously there was something going on, and she wanted to leave them both to it.

Simon reached out for the bottle of syrup and squeezed a sickening amount of syrup all over his pancakes. He forcefully placed the bottle down and started slicing.

Raphael cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Simon chewed aggressively. “No.” He stated with a full mouth.

“Simon, this isn’t healthy. You’re hurting.” Raphael argued with a tender tone and pushed away his plate. Right now, Simon’s wellbeing was more important than food. “Please talk to me about it.”

Simon swallowed his food painfully along with the lump that was formed at the bottom of his throat. “I was doing just fine. We don’t have to talk about it.” He said, stabbing the fork into the slice. “I don’t know what to say to Clary. I know she didn’t initiate anything... I should have known better than acting up the way I did yesterday. She would never hurt me.” He admitted shamefully. 

Raphael nodded understandingly. “You don’t have to talk to her today if it makes you feel uneasy. It can wait.” He offered Simon an encouraging smile. “Trust me when I say that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Your mental health should always come first. Besides, Clary’s your best friend. She understands you, and she knows that giving you some space right now is the wisest thing to do.”

Simon couldn’t help but beam at the reassurance. Raphael was the softest human being, it was unbelievable. “That’s true. She hadn’t texted me a single message or passed by yet.”

Raphael nodded, pleased to see that he’s starting to smile again. “Jace doesn’t deserve your tears, or your time. There are plenty of fish in the sea!” He laughed as he picked up his fork and knife. “I hope you find someone who treats you right.”

Simon set his fork and knife down and watched Raphael eat. He started to feel numb, the same kind of numbness that spread through his chest yesterday night when he found out that Raphael had carried him to his house and looked out for him and slept next to him on the floor to make sure he’d still be okay the next day. 

That numbness resulted from guilt. 

Raphael hated being around people, had only one friend, and was fairly pessimistic and mocking. He didn’t understand why Raphael was being so gentle and kind to him.

All it took was a moment of clarity for him to realize that Raphael liked him, more than just friends. 

“Me too.” Simon whispered, shooting Raphael a weak smile.

And in that moment, he was certain that he liked him back just as much, and maybe even more.


End file.
